People pleasing and compulsive lying can be a trauma reaction
Here is a question from M. " How to stop being a horrid people pleaser and set boundaries so I can stop feeling like I am being used".
Many people pleasers are aware of the pain associated with the trait.
They suffer and judge themselves.
What is people-pleasing behavior?
Why it is showing in you?
Some tips to overcome people-pleasing behaviours.
Important to understand that people pleasing can be a trauma reaction that developed in your childhood or youth.
Are you aware of the pain associated with people-pleasing reactions in you?
Feeling miserable, invisible, doing all the unseen things, the stuff no one really appreciates.
You are burnt out and have no interest in trying anymore.
If you are a parent, people-pleasing is not good modeling for kids.
You might be very aware of all this.
People pleasing is a generalized trait as it is not confined to one situation, or context.
It means you do it everywhere. No wonder you are exhausted and might start experiencing the last stage of burnout and being depleted. It takes a lot of your energy to people please.
People - pleasing behaviour is automatic, unconscious, reactive, and instinctual. This is exactly the kind of automatic and reactive behavior that bypasses your awareness. People pleasing keeps you stuck in a reactive cycle. That's why it can be incredibly hard to put a wedge in it, to catch yourself and stop it.
Instead, when you feel exhausted and burned out, you are, in fact, left, with dealing with the consequences of this trait.
You are constantly overwhelmed by the repetitive powerful emotions and reactive cycles of people pleasing.
The consequences of pleasing people can be huge and if this is not addressed can take a toll on your mental, and physical health.
This one thing you do can cause overwhelm and burnout in a relationship.
As I mentioned, many people are painfully aware of people- pleasing traits in them but don’t know what to do with them.
What does people pleasing look like?
A common sign is overdoing, overcommitting, giving too much of your time, and energy, and agreeing instantly to do something, not saying NO.
These reactions are instant, you don’t get time to consider, and you are robbed of time. it’s continuous thoughtless output from you.
Here is a metaphor for this thoughtless reactive output. Your life might look like this when you are stuck in reactive people- pleasing.
Imagine sitting on a meadow, next to an edge of a cliff. Instead of admiring the scenery and making yourself comfortable and safe, you jump off this cliff every time someone approaches.
You plunge yourself head first into the ocean waters below, knowing you might be crashed by the rocks, knowing that you will have to climb back up to the cliff after pulling yourself out of the freezing water.
This is exhausting. But this is your way of life.
No wonder many people feel powerless and helpless living with this trait. They blame themselves, and they lie to others.
Compulsive lying is another huge sign of people pleasing which can be connected to complex PTSD from childhood. It is a childhood way to avoid pain, and protect yourself from pain. It is a childhood adaptation that was installed in you. It lives now in your adult life wreaking havoc on your relationships both personal and professional. I see quite a number of clients presenting with compulsive lying. They can’t help themselves.
And how could you help? When you are busy judging this reaction of compulsive lying from the present moment, you hate something that saved your life in the past.
Clients who present people-pleasing traits extensively are the ones raised by aggressive parents, stressed-out parents, and many are members of LGBTIQA+ community.
My own daughter had a mild trauma response in the form of pleasing people and compulsive lying. I came from trauma and had severe complex PTSD undiagnosed for many years, so I was very traumatized and yelled a lot. As she was a lesbian raised in South Korea and by a yelling mother, she developed compulsive lying and people-pleasing as a way to adapt to the unsafe social environment.
People stuck with people-pleasing traits feel powerless.
If people pleasing in the form of compulsive lying presents as a trauma response, seek a professional to help you dismantle and reset your nervous system, mind, and physiology for healthier responses.
If you decide not to seek professional help, I will give you a few helpful tips.
Realize this: you can unlearn reactions. Find your leverage point. You know you can move anything with the right lever. Planets can move with the right lever.
Here are the tips:
1-Aknowledge that you please people reactively and lie compulsively. Say, I am a compulsive liar. I am a people pleaser.
2- Become aware of how exactly it shows up in you. Make a list of all manifestations, what exactly happens for you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Become a researcher of your feelings and states. After making a list sit with it and let it sink in. You might experience harder pain, but this pain is used for a good cause. Sit with this uncomfortable feeling. It’s ok. Let your brain realize that this is the situation, and this is what you experience now, and you don’t want this anymore.
(I included a worksheet to help guide you with this what I call
" surrender and awareness exercise". The worksheet has signs of people pleasing and exercises for awareness and finding that leverage point to start shifting. )
Reminding you. People pleasing can be a trauma response that is traced back to severe, overwhelming stress that you experienced in childhood or youth. So it is a childhood adaptation you developed to survive in your social environment.
And as a childhood adaptation, it is very powerful because it is connected to the very fundamental need to survive.
I specialize in working with chronic stress that has become toxic for you because it’s been there for a long time often since childhood, Stress that doesn’t go away and it is poisoning your body with anxiety, fear, exhaustion, and physical pain. People pleasing can be a manifestation of this powerful childhood stress.
I am here to support you if you experience chronic stress and burnout, and need support please reach out to organize a free clarity call to discuss your problem and how I can help.
