One simple step to STOP self-judgment
FIND A THINKING FAULT
How does self-judgment manifest?
Debra is unable to take a compliment even though she works hard and achieves excellent results at work.
During the staff meeting, her boss calls her name and acknowledges her for the progress she has made with a company client. She got them onboard, looked after them through the process, spent her own time checking messages, and kept them updated about their project. The client was so impressed, he called the boss and commended Debra for the work done.
The boss says "job, well done, indeed". Debra blushes and feels extremely uncomfortable at this simple praise. She wants to jump out of her skin; she feels everyone looking at her. She starts mumbling something along the lines of " Oh well... I really didn't do much... Oh, no need to thank me, I really was just doing my job." In her body, she feels weak and small.
Her discomfort and apologetic tone don't go unnoticed as she glimpses her colleagues looking at her with bewilderment and discomfort, some raising eyebrows, some looking confused, and some looking at her with pity. All these reactions and Debra's own discomfort and awkwardness make her feel even worse. Later at home, she ruminates about the meeting and her reaction, as she gets frustrated and angry with herself. "What is wrong with me?" she thinks and at this moment she starts judging her reaction to praise as well as her inability to accept praise.
So she judged herself and then judged her judgment.
Does a simple compliment make you uncomfortable? Uncomfortable to the point that you start making excuses why you should not be a recipient of this acknowledgment?
Do you constantly strive for perfection, never really satisfied with your own progress?
Are you in a habit of harshly judging yourself? This judgment comes easily, effortlessly, and automatically.
"I wish I could just turn off these feelings. They are stupid, " Debra often thinks.
If only it could be this easy to turn off feelings.
Feelings are there for a reason and they are doing something for us, teaching us something, and attracting our attention to what we need to learn or to change.
While it takes time, effort, and motivation to learn about your feelings and their reason for being there, there is one thing Debra can do to start shifting self-judgment and making it more malleable for a shift.
But first a small disclaimer about working with emotions.
Self-judgment is a symptom of something. The deeper reason or the root cause of self-judgment will be different for different people. So there is NO way I can give you advice or instructions on how to resolve self-judging behavior. No one can. To completely resolve this, you might need to work with a specialist therapist. But I can give you hacks that can help you stall self-judgment.
Remember how Debra wished to turn off her feeling? And she can't, of course.
- To deal with self-judgment, instead of turning OFF the feelings, turn ON some logic. -
Let me give you an insight into the workings of self-judgment.
Self-judgment is fueled by comparing ourselves with others. This comparison is NEVER in our favor. We take a negative judgment against ourselves while thinking positively about others. We judge ourselves as not as successful, beautiful, or sporty as them.
My client says: "Mary is successful in her business. I am not. Mary is a great parent. I am not. "
Let's use logic and find a fault in this thinking.
Thinking fault ONE -We can only see the surface of things
FAULT 1- We assume we know the depth of the matter, while in reality, we can only see the surface of things, especially when it comes to other people's lives.
How do you know Mary is successful and a great parent? You see you say, but what do you actually see? Don't you see the surface of things? Maybe Mary's socials, or her walking past your son's school, how she holds herself, how she talks? These might seem like good indications of success in career and parenthood but in fact, they are not.
Over years, I have worked with many "successful" people who have deep troubles. So my take on this is we know very little about other people's lives. We see the surface of things and we make a judgment about them and about us compared with them. This comparison is always in their FAVOUR and our DISFAVOUR.
It is very hard for us to look under the surface. We don’t see the struggles of others, and what it takes them to achieve something, for example.
We see the result of something and we make our conclusions about how wonderful their life is and how miserable ours is.
Fix this thinking fault by using 2 PARTS
Look at things logically.
PART A : Sometimes looking at things logically instead of jumping to conclusions helps. Think about Mary. She probably gets up at 5, takes the kids to school, works, gets back home, and works again when the kids are off to bed. Go ahead, and create a picture of Mary's struggles and what it really takes her to juggle all these things.
Why is it logical? Just by fact of running a business, she has to work her ass off in most cases. And being a full-time working mother of 3 kids comes with a cost.
Feeling better about that self-judgment already?
PART B: As I mentioned, we tend to compare ourselves to others. All comparison really does is help us find negatives in ourselves. Because the mind is negatively biased (this has to do with our evolution), we get magnetised by those negative thoughts. They perpetuate self-judgment and we get stuck in a loop.
Instead of comparison, use contrast.
Hah! What's the difference, you ask?
The difference is very subtle but useful for our purpose. Contrasting actually helps your mind to get unstuck on self-judgment.
Here is an example.
Anya compares herself to Mary. "Mary is very successful in her business, she makes so much more money than me." (In Anya's mind - Anya is unhappy because there is something that Anya lacks as compared to Mary. As a result, your mind if stressed and goes into survival and protection mode.)
Anya contrasts herself with Mary. "Mary is very successful in her business, she makes so much money. I am a single mom and I make good money for the work I do and I care for my child. " (In Anya's mind- Mary is great, Anya is great, and Anya wants to do even greater things for herself. As a result, your mind is relaxed and can accept opportunities to grow.)
When contrasting, you find differences for obvious reasons. These differences stand in their own right, whereas when you compare you look for similarities when there is none.
When Anya says: "I am not as successful as Mary in business". How can she compare these two? Logically, it makes NO sense. The nature of Anya's work and Mary's business are very different; they are incomparable.
Thinking Fault 2 - We overgeneralize all the time.
FAULT 2- We overestimate someone’s success and overgeneralize all the time.
Inside Any's mind. "If Mary has a good business, naturally, her relationship with her husband is phenomenal, and her kids are angels, not like my kids. "
Thinking like this can create emotional overwhelm. At most times, we don't even catch these thoughts because they have flushed so quickly. As a result, we are left with emotional devastation and that nagging feeling that something is wrong with us at some level.
Think about it logically now. Is it really possible to have it all in perfectly wonderful condition? I am sure Mary is making sacrifices and trying her best to juggle both busy work and family life, and again it comes with a cost.
Ask yourself: "What am I overgeneralizing? What part am I thinking about and what other parts am I making the same as this part?"
So I have given you a few things to think about when it comes to self-judgment. Many people are ridden with this pesty trait. It is often automatic because we have repeated self-judging acts millions of times throughout our lives.
To recap, if you are bugged by self-judgment, try these simple hacks.
Stop comparing, start contrasting
Check where/when/what you are overgeneralizing
Use logic and remind yourself that you can only see the surface of things
Using these hacks puts a wedge into self-perpetuating self-judging behavior and helps to shift it, ultimately creating more choices and more freedom in your life.
I want to hear from you
Let me know in the comments,
What one step you can take to stall self-judging habits?
How is self-judging a problem for you?
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