Emotional blackmail by love. You don’t need to be with a narcissist for this.
We all can create love monsters.
Emotional blackmail by love is very effective because it disarms, disorients, and weakens you.
Sign of love blackmail.
What should I do if I am being blackmailed with love? SELF HELP
Easy ingredients of a healthy relationship. Must have these 3.
You have created your Frankenstein. To love or NOT to love this monster?
Emotional blackmail by love is easy to recognize. It is a type of manipulation in which someone uses a great feeling of love as a way to control your behavior or convince you to see and do things their way.
A partner can use love. A parent can use love. For blackmail.
Have you heard this?
“Now, if you loved me, you would have moved me to your place in Australia. I'm your mother. “
“If you love me, you will not go to a restaurant with friends, but stay home with me.”
Often such blackmail is used to get a partner back after a breakup, for example.
Sonya broke up with Viktor because he did not spend time with her. Viktor had a successful job, and he was always busy. For 2 years they have been together he always found excuses not to change. Sonya was in last place, after work, hobbies, and friends. He was not very interested in Sonya, but he liked the idea of having a girlfriend, especially one so attractive and patient.
After the breakup, Viktor endured whole 3 weeks. Then he texted Sonya, saying that he found her sweater at home and wanted to return it. He fondly remembered how Sonya valued this sweater, how it suited her, and her angelic look when she wore it.
At their meeting, Viktor looked sad and began to say how much he missed and loved Sonya.
Sonya melted and returned.
It's ok to come back. But Sonya made one mistake.
She did not ask under what conditions she was returning. Nor did she ask about the time frame for a change in Viktor’s behavior that she needed. In fact, she was taken aback and totally disarmed by the word Love and his “expression of love which was sadness and visible suffering”. Viktor appeared so sincere. “He really loves me. He suffers without me. “ And Sonya assumed that this suffering meant a change in his behaviour.
After returning to Viktor, nothing has changed for Sonya.
Why does this commonly happen?
Love confuses us. This is the simplest but also the most complex concept and emotion, and it is the most desirable one. It is an emotion that validates our value as human beings. LOVE is a concept, an emotion, a value, and a principle- all in one. Each person creates their own individual concept and archetype of love.
For example, Sonya left Viktor only after he disrespected a life value that she held. Sonya's grandmother got very sick, but Valera did not cancel the planned party with his friends, as an important business partner was supposed to come.
This incident made Sonya go totally cold. Emotions of love disappeared and it became clear what value Viktor had as a person. Months later, she even wondered how she was so blind and lost so much time and energy on this man.
Sonya had a strong sign about her then boyfriend and Viktor had no chance with her after that, even if he promised to change.
What are some signs of blackmail by love?
- You are accused of negative things.
Partner "If you didn't work so hard and spent this much time at work, I wouldn't cheat”.
Mother "If you hadn't moved away, I wouldn't have gotten sick.
(I often work with clients who are being blackmailed by their parents)
If you loved me, you would do the right thing.
-Love is broken, you have to fix it and earn it back.
I missed an important meeting because of you, what are you going to do now? How do you show that you love me by fixing this?
- It is impossible to find a compromise.
"You do as I say and that's it. You have to let me live with you. You do not love me. It’s my way, or high way."
HELP YOURSELF RECOGNISE BLACKMAIL
If along the word "love" you hear and experience
demands,
resistances (They begin to suffer, show pain, and tears),
pressure,
threats ("I will not be here when you return"),
and if things do not change for a long time, then this may be blackmail.
If you find yourself hijacked by emotions so much that your logic and intuition are shut down, then it may be blackmail.
ONE WAY TO HELP YOURSELF
Your bodily or somatic response to blackmail can help you expose the blackmail.
Your body is always communicating and can inform you if you are being blackmailed.
Paying attention to your somatic/bodily experiences can help you.
How does love feel in your body? It feels like truth.
If you feel as though fortified or strengthened by the truth like you ate healthy, nutritious food. It doesn't mean you experience no pain, the key is you feel strengthened in your body.
How does blackmail feel in your body? It feels like a lie.
You might experience weakness. You experience discomfort and exhaustion, as you are weakened with lies. This is like when you ate something unhealthy and had an allergic reaction.
Your body is wired to read these two techniques: true and false. The truth strengthens, and the lie weakens. We all can do it as humans.
Practice listening to your body, it will tell you. An easy way to get started in practicing reading your body reactions for love and blackmail is to use your fingers.
The checking method is very simple: ( Watch this in the video)
Make two rings with your fingers.
Test for facts first: say something true, then something false.
Check the tension. Check for strengths and for weaknesses.
Now you can do it with your love/relationship situation.
And Finally, I leave you with this.
Take note: in healthy relationships, you have at least 3 factors: true compromise, time, and choice.
Compromise
In a healthy relationship, if one resists something, the other will let go of the demand or actively try to find a solution.
Time
In healthy relationships, there is time to work things out, while in blackmail there is always some kind of urgency and impatience. You need it now (come, save, do it, etc.) Do it now. Come now. Fix it now.
Choice
With every episode of blackmail by love, you create your personal Frankenstein from pieces of emotion.
And you begin to live with this monster that you created.
Your monster may be beautiful and important to you at that moment.
If you choose to love your monster it's not a problem, it's your choice. Maybe this is what you need and is useful for you at some level.
But when you feel like you have NO choice, then it becomes a problem and you might want to consider ways to let go of your Frankenstein.
I want to hear from you.
Tell me in a few words about your Frankenstein. Are YOU someone's monster?
Did the checking method work for you?
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